After crying for a long while in my Easter Sunday best it hit me: My addiction. All of the sudden the only possible solution was to walk into the grocery store across the parking lot and reunite with my ex-lover, Wine. The thought was strong and my craving was off the charts. My mouth watered, my heartbeat increased, my skin got flushed and hot. I was fucking terrified. I thought, "Wait a minute here. I have over one hundred days in this thing! I can't fuck it up now. It would be so embarrassing to have to start all over again." Usually after these thoughts the craving disappears, the obssesive thoughts vanish, and I am left comfortable in my sobriety. Not that day. The next thoughts came zooming into my skull far faster than the others, "So what?! It's just 100 measly days. You could do that over easy. You are in pain. It hurts worse than anything you have experienced in a long time. You just can't handle it. Walk in that store and do what needs to be done. You will feel so much relief. Just do it."
I felt doomed. I turned off my car. I readied my purse. My fingers curled around the handle of my car door. Then I heard a voice. This time it wasn't from my alcohlic head. It was calm, peaceful, tranquil, and full of loving purpose.
"Sadie, turn on your car and go home."
So I did, thanking my Higher Power the entire way.
I am continuing to struggle with my cravings and alcoholic thinking today. Last night a craving hit me for no apparent reason that had me drooling over the computer. It has been hard and scary, yes. But thank God for that experience in the parking lot. As awful as it was and as painful as it was it confirmed my belief in my Higher Power.
When the octopus arm that is alcoholism begins wrapping itself around me, squeezing tighter, sucking at my flesh, I stop and pray. I stop and ask my Higher Power who saved me that day to please save me again, to give me the strength I need.
You have the strength - and the support to see it through. Plus, if you drink, you can't date the hunky lifeguard in a few months.
ReplyDeleteGreat point! haha
ReplyDeleteWhen I was getting sober, someone said something that bothered me for months and months. Why? Because I thought that they had blatantly lied to a newcomer! What was the lie? They lied to me because they told me, "Don't worry, you're going to feel better some day. Just be patient."
ReplyDeleteMonths later I realized, sadly, that they had not actually lied. What had happened is that I had misunderstood what he said. I'd thought they were telling me that I was going to feel "better feelings". You know, better feelings like joy, happiness, contentment, serenity, etc. And that certainly wasn't true. Or rather it wasn't completely true.
But what they had meant, or regardless of what they mean, what was true is that I was going to feel feelings better and better and better. Not just the so-called "good" feelings like those listed above, but all the other so-called "bad" feelings too! I was going to feel the whole rainbow of feelings better than I ever did when I was drinking (by the end of my drinking I was feeling less than horrible: I was feeling nothing, I was numb in my loneliness).
Hopefully, you are finding this same truth in your own recovery. You are beginning to feel the whole range of human emotions in your life. None of them are deadly, none of them will last forever. Be aware of them. Cherish them. Learn from them. Be grateful for every goddamned one of them!
Mike L.