After crying for a long while in my Easter Sunday best it hit me: My addiction. All of the sudden the only possible solution was to walk into the grocery store across the parking lot and reunite with my ex-lover, Wine. The thought was strong and my craving was off the charts. My mouth watered, my heartbeat increased, my skin got flushed and hot. I was fucking terrified. I thought, "Wait a minute here. I have over one hundred days in this thing! I can't fuck it up now. It would be so embarrassing to have to start all over again." Usually after these thoughts the craving disappears, the obssesive thoughts vanish, and I am left comfortable in my sobriety. Not that day. The next thoughts came zooming into my skull far faster than the others, "So what?! It's just 100 measly days. You could do that over easy. You are in pain. It hurts worse than anything you have experienced in a long time. You just can't handle it. Walk in that store and do what needs to be done. You will feel so much relief. Just do it."
I felt doomed. I turned off my car. I readied my purse. My fingers curled around the handle of my car door. Then I heard a voice. This time it wasn't from my alcohlic head. It was calm, peaceful, tranquil, and full of loving purpose.
"Sadie, turn on your car and go home."
So I did, thanking my Higher Power the entire way.
I am continuing to struggle with my cravings and alcoholic thinking today. Last night a craving hit me for no apparent reason that had me drooling over the computer. It has been hard and scary, yes. But thank God for that experience in the parking lot. As awful as it was and as painful as it was it confirmed my belief in my Higher Power.
When the octopus arm that is alcoholism begins wrapping itself around me, squeezing tighter, sucking at my flesh, I stop and pray. I stop and ask my Higher Power who saved me that day to please save me again, to give me the strength I need.