Let's talk about sobriety, being creative, and how the arms of the octopus that is life challenge us daily to become better people.

3.17.2010

" Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt."  – William Shakespeare

I will be three months sober this coming Tuesday. The past couple of weeks have been full of doubts. FULL. I have doubted my competence at work. I have doubted my ability to live in a new place without completely freaking out. I have doubted my new found skill to budget and gasp! save money. I have doubted my capability to stay sober. I have doubted my writing. Doubts have been creeping up on me left and right; those sneaky, stealth arms of my octopus.

What I have started to do is watch. I watch that arm slink its way around the corner of my bedroom door, inch across my floor, curl around my shoulder, and begin to clench itself around my neck or torso or chest. Instead of screaming and clawing frantically at my walls I simply sit and watch. I notice how interesting it all is. How fast the doubt can come at times, catching me completely off gaurd. How sticky some doubt can be (the doubts of my being able to write anything anyone will ever want to actually read is still wrapped around me today). And how easily some doubts seem to slip away (I'm feeling pretty darn good about my money situation at the moment). It's all so fascinating really.

What's great about just watching it all happen, sitting and being able to observe my life as if a child discovering his fingers for the first time, is that the crippling power of the doubt (or whatever it may be) suddenly isn't so powerful. Watching with interest has become fun and at times I find myself laughing as I watch patterns emerge.

So yes. I am writing this at the moment completely aware of how much I doubt this is even readable let alone enjoyable to read but you know what? I'm watching it happen. I'm feeling it happen. And even more, I'm posting this bitch!
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4 comments:

  1. HopeMarch 19, 2010 at 7:25 AM

    I had something like that happen to me the other day. I recognized an old, old habit and instead of beating myself up I simply sat there and acknowledged that I still had that old habit. Before I would have denied it or tried to distance myself from it before and it was a relief to simply let the awareness be enough.

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  2. One Crafty MotherMarch 19, 2010 at 9:03 AM

    Congrats on your 3 months. That is HUGE! And you write just beautifully. I have found that writing about it, talking about it, really helps diminish the power of the thoughts, feelings, cravings. I love the visual of an Octopus arm. That's EXACTLY what it's like.

    Glad to have found your blog. Please keep talking!

    -Ellie

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  3. One Crafty MotherMarch 19, 2010 at 9:06 AM

    I thought of one more thing. Have you seen the new website I started called Crying Out Now (www.cryingoutnow.com)? It is a place for women struggling with addiction or recovery to come talk about their feelings, tell a bit of their story. You can do it anonymously if you want. You are a gorgeous writer, and if you want to submit, please send me an email to cryingoutnow@gmail.com I moderate the site with two other sober women. My personal email is ellieandsteve@verizon.net - you can contact me there, too.

    Thanks!

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  4. Totally Centered CynthiaMarch 27, 2010 at 6:17 AM

    Congrats! Your comments on writing as recovery are inspiring!

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